Not to Drag Down the Conversation, but...

​After posting my article yesterday here about the indefensible insanity of Red states creating laws to criminalize what people wear when reading stories to children, I had a revelation that made me laugh.  I remembered that I myself actually once wrote the lyrics for a song in a Showtime TV movie that, in the film, was sung by performers at a drag show. 

I posted the song, “Just One of the Girls,” here before, but that was 11 years ago.  So, it seemed a very appropriate time to bring it back to life again.  But first, some background.

A friend of mine, Jimmy Huston (who wrote the wonderful film Running Scared with Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines as New York City cops), wrote and directed the Showtime movie, which was also a police drama, called The Wharf Rat” that starred Lou Diamond Phillips (and featured Judge Reinhold and Rita Moreno).  There was a scene in the film that took place in a drag club,  and he needed a song sung by the drag performers there.  He knew I wrote parody lyrics and sometimes collaborated on songs, and asked if I could come up for one for the scene.  Happily, Jimmy not only liked the song that composer Andy Marx and I came up with, but he also had a minor character sing it again later while driving his car down the open highway.  And he liked that scene so much that he cut the scene which followed  -- that was supposed to close the movie with the major characters -- and instead ended the movie on that minor character singing a reprise of our song, as he drove off into the sunset!
​

 
The assignment was to "write something like 'Hello, Dolly!' but dirty" – something that most definitely not in my wheelhouse.  (To this days, friends are shocked that "er, you wrote that??"  But that was the job.  And I was able to placate myself by coming up with something that at least is totally clean on the surface, although is filled with fairly crass double-entendres underneath.   (At least by my standards.  Perhaps "risqué" to others.)  When my parents wanted to hear it, I reeeeeally didn’t want to play the recording for them, and when I was pretty much compelled to, I was hoping that my mother at least wouldn’t get all the suggestive "puns" -- but alas she did.  I was sort of mortified when I played it and could see their taken-aback reaction.
 
The only thing that I wish were different about the version used in the film is that it’s much too fast.  It’s supposed to be performed at the pace of – as was the assignment – "Hello, Dolly!", which is a strutting cakewalk.  But after hearing the recording we sent Jimmy while the movie was in production, he said he needed it faster to move the scene along quicker. 

And so, I’ve embedded the song below.  But a couple of additional words first.

The two singers are Lynn Mills (the wife of Jimmy Huston, and a terrific vocalist) and “the Lady Shellington,” Shelly Goldstein (a good Northwestern friend whose wonderful cabaret career I’ve written about here often).  They were both very good sports for putting up with this.  Also, just think of it being sung one-third slower. Hopefully you'll be able to understand the words.  (Or, actually, maybe, hopefully not...)  But I’ve included the lyrics for those who feel compelled to follow along…    
 
And this, with an apology to the G-rated folks out there (like me) – following up as a proper, though odd and unexpected  bookend to on my article yesterday – is "One of the Girls."

​If you want to sing along, here are the lyrics --

"Just One of the Girls"
​
Sometimes ladies want to be
Petite and demure.
But sometimes we are wild and free,
And far less than pure.
A lady is a sister,
Whether quaint or lewd.
We know that when a man has kissed her
Ohh, someone gets screwed.
   (Oh, yes!  Oh, yes!  It's true.)
 
I want to sing out loud about it
Covered in ermine and pearls,
Tell the world I'm proud about it
As every flag unfurls. 
When all is finally said and done,
I could not have had more fun.
And I'm so glad that I'm just one
Of the girls.
 
Life's meant to be filled with play.
Come one and come all.
You can simply have your way;
We'll sure have a ball.
Life is grand, astound me.
Let down your guard,
Wrap your arms around me,
Ooo, it isn't that hard.
   (Oh, yes!  Oh, yes!  Please do.)
 
I'll float up to a cloud about it
Covered in ermine and pearls,
Tell the world I'm proud about it
As every flag unfurls. 
When all is finally said and done,
I could not have had more fun.
And I'm so glad that I'm just one
Of the girls.
 
            Women speak with many voices,
            I'm thrilled for each of mine.
            We're better the more the choices:
            Thank god that I have sixty-nine.

Everyday I'm so excited.
Life is the best.
What I do is undecided.
I'll keep you abreast.
Here I am, the new me.
Pleasure's mine to keep.
Put your life into me.  
Oooo, I want it more deep.
   (Oh,  yes!  Oh, yes!  It grew.)
 
I'm glad I'm well-endowed about it
Covered in ermine and pearls,
Tell the world I'm proud about it
As every flag unfurls. 
When all is finally said and done,
I could not have had more fun.
My life is the best, bar none.
And I'm so glad that I'm just one...
Oh, I'm so glad that I'm just one...
Yes, I'm so glad that I'm just one
Of the girls.