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Somehow, I thought I'd posted this before, but doing a search of the site here, I couldn't find it. So, perhaps not. If I did, though...well, it was long enough ago that I don't remember, and so probably few others will either. So, it will be almost like new! And if I haven't, now is the perfect time to rectify that oversight, as will become clear. (In fact, that's why I thought of it, this time o' year.) As it happens, though, I originally wrote it in the middle of Summer for my column on the Huffington Post. That was thirteen years ago, on July 13, 2011. And at least to me, since I think of it every year around now, it bears repeating. The World’s Only Hamburger That’s Good for You
This month, Consumer Reports magazine rates fast food restaurants, and in the hamburger category, the California-based chain In-N-Out Burger sits at the top. Though I’ve lived in Los Angeles since graduate school, I’ve never been in one. Nor do I intend to. Therein lies the tale. But let’s go back a bit first. Ever since my school days, I’ve had plenty of friends urging me to join them on an In-N-Out run. Who knows why I never did initially? Maybe I didn’t like the design, the name, the unfamiliarity, the jingle, I have no idea. There was nothing compelling that kept me away. Then, I discovered something about the company that did make me hesitant. The company was putting Bible verses at the bottom of soft drink cups and inside burger wrappers. (Not the verse itself, but a pointer to them. For example, Matthew 21:7). I wasn’t offended – hey, it’s their store – just that hiding messages seemed sort of creepy to me. And they themselves clearly recognized that many customers wouldn’t like it, otherwise they’d have been upfront, rather than trying to sneak “code” into some crevice underneath the French fries. But that’s not the reason I won’t go. We have to step back again. I don’t celebrate Christmas. It’s not my personal faith. But I love the season. Good cheer, fellowship, bright lights. And especially the music. I’ve always loved Christmas carols – not just the secular holiday songs, but even the sacred music. Time was when radio stations played Christmas songs all December to set up the season. Over the past decade or so, however, programming began to change, and although Christmas shopping ads started earlier, Christmas carols were starting later, rarely played regularly until the week before December the 25th. That wasn’t enough Christmas music for my taste, and so for the past 10 years I’ve been putting together a big collection of Christmas songs. Searching out used record stores, buying CDs, taping off the radio, making MP3 files. And at this point, I’ve got almost 100 recordings. All so that starting on December 1st, I can start playing Christmas music everywhere. Fa la la! It’s wonderful. And by the time Christmas comes, even though it’s not something I celebrate, I’m all the more full of the spirit of the season. And on Christmas Eve, I always seek out one of those radio stations that plays Christmas music for 24 hours “with limited commercial interruption.” I let the music play throughout my home (and every year listen to the brilliant BBC recording of “A Christmas Carol” with Sir Ralph Richardson and Paul Scofield – the best adaptation of the story I know of) and then waft off to sleep with my clock radio on all through the night. No, it’s not my personal faith, so it doesn’t have that particular meaning for me, but it’s lovely music and a joyful lifelong tradition. Which brings us to The Reason. I’m guessing you can sense where this is going. But trust me, it’s worse. One Christmas Eve, perhaps 15 years ago, I found one of those All Christmas Music stations. And that particular year, those limited commercials were sponsored by In-N-Out Burgers. Once an hour, a special holiday commercial would come on. “In-N-Out, In-N-Out, seasons greetings from In-N-Out,” followed by a warm greeting by the spokesman, spinning a gentle word of holiday kindness to all. I listened for hours and eventually drifted off the sleep. In the middle-of-the-night, about 3 AM, I drifted back half-awake, and the radio was of course still playing. What I also heard was a new In-N-Out Burger ad. And I was soon staring bleary-eyed at the radio. I can only paraphrase from the distance of 15 years, but what I heard in the dark, middle of the night was -- “In-N-Out, In-N-Out, seasons greetings from In-N-Out.” “This holiday season, give the greatest gift a person can give. Give the gift of Jesus. Put Jesus in your heart and pass the joy of Jesus Christ to others. Believe in Jesus and bring Him into your life. Merry Christmas from In-N-Out.” “In-N-Out, In-N-Out, seasons greetings from In-N-Out.” And I was now wide awake. I want to be clear: I think that In-N-Out Burgers has every right to make ads like this. It’s their company, it’s their belief. They can spread the gospel all they want, and I completely understand. I just think it’s a terrible way to sell hamburgers. The next day, to make absolutely sure I’d heard the ad correctly, I wrote the radio station. Remarkably, I received a phone call from the station manager, who confirmed it and was himself mortified, apologizing that the station had only listened to a couple ads, yet approved them all. “We never would have put that ad on had we heard it first,” he said. I also mentioned the ad to a very conservative friend who is a devote Roman Catholic, to get his reaction. And he was extremely upset by it. “This is not how you should sell burgers,” he stated. “And this is not how you should promote the Church.” Anyone can feel differently. But this transcends religious belief. I just personally think it’s a terrible way to sell hamburgers. I don’t care how “good” anyone’s food is. When I’m eating my burger and fries, I don’t want that to come with a side of preaching. I don’t want to be sermonized to in a restaurant. That’s why God created churches and temples. Personal belief is one thing, even for a corporation. But honestly, if someone is asking you to patronize their store, asking you to spend your money on their products, then telling these very same potential customers that their personal faith is actually wrong and that they will never be truly happy or ever fulfilled or saved by God Almighty is just, to me, a terrible way to sell hamburgers. I simply prefer to give my money to businesses that aren’t suggesting that I’m probably going to Hell. Since we're nearing Thanksgiving, I figured it was a good time to bring back my Thanksgiving-related piece from last year that starts with one of the fun "50 people try to make..." videos from Epicurious. It was perfect for a few reasons -- and one of those reasons mean, too, that this will be a bit different than the others we post here. This is for making cranberry sauce. The main reason this is perfect is because making cranberry sauce seems to scare people off and instead they buy it from a can. Usually the one that's gelatin-style, which is a very unfair thing to do to a cranberry. And the thing is, making cranberry sauce is SO mind-numbingly easy -- I mean truly brain-dead easy, literally not much more difficult than opening a can, though it takes just a very-little more time (and by "just a very-little more" I mean that in every sense of the words) -- and it is SO much better than canned that it's almost like eating a different food. Indeed, it tastes like the fruit it is. In fact, cranberry sauce is even easier to make than the professional Epicurious chef describes it at the end, since he says you should keep stirring it all the time, and I've never done that. I stir it a few times at the beginning and a couple times as it cooks, but I don't stand over the pot stirring. Also, this was perfect because it allows me to present a recipe to show how easy it is. And it's perfect too since it lets me present my own twist on the easy recipe that is almost as easy, and (I believe) soooooooo much better. I love making cranberry sauce not only because it's so easy and people are impressed that "You actually made it?!", but also because the end result is so much better than people think it will be. And they don't realize how easy it was. First, here's the video. It's a lot of fun, especially when knowing ahead how bizarrely and ridiculously easy it is -- and delicious. Okay, first, here's how actually easy it is to make. Ingredients: I package of washed cranberries 1 cup of water 1 cup of sugar Yes, that's it! Pour the water and sugar in the pot, stir and bring the mixture to a slow simmer. Then, dump in the bag of cranberries, stir, cook for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. And that's all. Really. As I said, that truly isn't much more difficult than opening a can. And it's delicious, and tastes like a real fruit, because it is. You could probably eat it hot, but it's probably best to refrigerate it until it's cool and gels on its own from the sugar. But here's my recipe to make it even better. You can adapt the amounts according to your taste. You'll note that it uses apple -- I got that trick from my Grandma Rose. I'll explain more about that in a moment. Ingredients: I package of cranberries 3/4 cup of water 1/4 cup of dry sherry 3/4 cup of sugar 1 apple, cut to cranberry-sized pieces. (I use Red Delicious) You make the dish almost the same way. Bring the water, sherry and sugar to a slow simmer. (Let it boil enough to cook the alcohol out.) Mix in the bag of cranberries and the chopped up apples. Stir, cook for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. And that's it. Ideally, let it cool. And taste it -- if you feel that the apples didn't sweeten it enough for your taste, just mix in some more sugar until it's how you like it. Why apple rather than orange peel and orange juice like many recipes suggest (including the Epicurious chef)? A few reasons. First, orange peel is bitter and orange juice is acidic, and since cranberries are bitter to begin with, I think the sweetness of apples are a better complimentary mix. Second, what Grandma Rose knew is that because apples are so sweet, you can use less sugar (which also brings the calories down). Third, she also knew that the blended flavor of apples and cranberry was especially delicious, tasting almost like strawberry (or strawberry-rhubarb). And finally, the main reason Grandma Rose liked to use apples is because they have natural pectin, so it creates it's own "gel." So, way to go, Grandma Rose! And to those concerned about the alcohol from the sherry, know that boiling the sherry cooks the alcohol out of it. But if you don't want the sherry, fine, leave it out and just use a cup of water. But I think it adds a rich flavor. But that's how incredibly easy it is to make cranberry sauce. And to make it even better. We interrupt this website for a bit of folderol. But I've gotten away from such things for far too long, and as I noted the other week, I want to get back to at least some of it, to a degree. This is a really minor, utterly personal, semi-meaningless, silly, off-beat, somewhat funny for its being an inexplicably unnecessary, borderline insulting annoyance. I came upon it totally by accident, I've waved it off as "Okay, really weird, so what?", but it kept occurring, and finally it didn't just become "occurring," but a pattern, and I had enough and wanted to write about it. This came about when scrolling through the news feed on my Pixel phone. Every once in a while there would be a food-related story from a website called Simply Recipes, it would look interesting, I'd read it, it would be somewhat interesting, and I'd move on. Later, a day or few days later, there would be another article from Simply Recipes. It too would look interesting, it would be somewhat interesting, and I'd move on. The would keep happening -- except that after a while I stopped thinking it looked interesting, but instead something about it seemed weird. But I figured I must have missed something. Except that it kept happening. And happening. And happening. Every single time. What it was is that the article would have a title something like, "I asked four chefs about their favorite mustard, and they all said the same thing." At first that was it. "Interesting," I thought, "all four chefs like the same mustard. It must be really good. I should maybe check it out." Except that over time, it struck me that every single time the "four chefs" they asked always said their favorite was "the same thing." Always. As in...always. AlwaysAlwaysAlwaysAlways. The same brand of jarred pickles, canned diced tomatoes, bottled orange juice, barbecue sauce, mayonnaise. The same, the same, the same, all four chefs "said the same thing." Always. The odds must be staggering. By the way, early on, I tried a couple of the items. Both were good -- one didn't seem anything amazingly better over what I usually got, but it was good. The other was pretty tasty, better than many, though not necessarily the best I'd gotten, but it was good. Neither were things that struck me "Well, if all four chefs said it was their favorite, it must be amazing." They weren't amazing. But they weren't bad at all. They were good. Absolutely. (I'm not using "good" pejoratively, by suggesting it wasn't very good or even excellent. I don't want to get into subjective tastes here. Just two categories: good or bad.) The only reason I say "early on" is because after a while I stopped reading the articles from Simply Recipes. While I figured that the items they wrote about would always be tasty, I couldn't assume that they were necessarily The Best and So Much Better Than All Others. And though the products had all been good, there was something that just seemed...scammy about it. Not that it was a scam, I have no way of knowing that, and would guess strongly it wasn't -- the problem for Simply Recipes is that when their random and varying "four chefs" always always always say only one item was the best, always, it has the appearance that someone paid for advertising. I don't think that's case, as I said -- but I do know that the odds make it improbable that every single time all four chefs they asked would always say the same thing. Always. And though I don't think it's a scam or paid advertising -- I can't figure out how this improbability would happen. It defies the odds. Which is why, no matter how much they can reasonably explain it away (assuming they can), their results are meaningless. Because those results don't appear even remotely probable. When I say "always," that's a word without context, so to give it perspective I'll estimate that this happened 30-40 times. All four chefs said this was their favorite item 30-40 times, which was every time. And as I said, too, after a while I found it both annoying and insulting. Annoying because I wanted to know what the product was that was The Unanimous Best -- except that I no longer trusted that it was the best, or even necessarily in the top five. And insulting because it was assuming I'd be gullible enough to think that because their "four chefs" all thought the product was the favorite that there were no other products that other chefs might think would be better. Would a fifth chef think the same? What if they asked 20 chefs what their favorite was? How did they decide on the four chefs? Didn't they themselves find it weird that the four chefs they'd ask would always always always always always say the same thing??? I finally decided to check out the Simply Recipes website. And to my surprise (and pleasure), it looks pretty interesting, very comprehensive, mature, and extremely well-done. It covers an extensive range of food-related subjects in many different categories. And many of the articles not only looked intriguing, but also valuable. And thoughtful and professional. Nothing remotely as weird as their "I asked four chefs..." stories. Which made their "I asked four chefs..." stories all the more bewildering. So, I went to track down my mission: to find out if it was a newsfeed issue, and maybe my newsfeed only chose to include their "I asked four chefs, and they all said the same product" articles, and perhaps Simply Recipes had other "I asked four chefs" articles on their website where with the chefs had differing opinions. I found the section on the website with their "I asked four chefs..." articles, scrolled through the long page where these were mixed among other articles, and found nine of them posted there -- and...every single one there, as well, were exactly the same. All of their magical four chefs always, again, named the same brands. And just to prove the point, here are two screen shots with eight of them. I've highlighted the "I asked four chefs..." articles so that you can spot them better. (And the only reason it's eight, rather than all nine, is because I couldn't shrink the screen enough to fit the ninth article in so they'd all be legible.)   Oh, okay, as I said, there was also one other than I couldn't fit on one of these screen shots. I might as well include it, as long as I've gone this lunatically far --  So, there you have it. I absolutely don't understand it. Clearly, Simply Recipes is doing this on purpose. But I don't know why. Yes, it singles out a good product -- maybe it's even the best, though not necessarily (nor likely, given all the products and chefs there are). So, why??? Wouldn't it be much more valuable to readers of an otherwise very well-done food website to provide a range of top products? I don't get it, and it's not for me to get it. I do want to read articles about food products that every chef asked agrees on. But -- I do not want to read articles that are about food products that every chef asked always always always always always always agrees on. Because it is simply unbelievable, and borderline insulting, and not valuable enough when it can't be believed. I will add that having told my newsfeed to stop showing articles from Simply Recipes, it now offers other chef-testing articles. And while happily there are several that have a mix of opinions -- usually articles that rank food brands -- I'm amazed and boggled that there are still a couple of other publications that have very similar "four chefs all liking the same brand" articles. (The Kitchn.com leads the pack in this now, although I haven't looked into their consistency as closely.) Maybe they're owned by the same parent company. Maybe it's kismet. That said, Simply Recipes remains the most egregious. There. I got it out of my system. And yes, I know it was really minor, utterly personal, semi-meaningless, silly, off-beat, somewhat funny for its being inexplicably unnecessary, and a borderline insulting annoyance. But you have to admit -- it's really weird. As I've noted, back in July, I posted an episode of Wait, Wait…Don’t Tell Me! with guest contestant J. Kenji Lopez-Alt, who’s a chef, New York Times food columnist, and a James Beard Award-winner for his cookbook – and has a wonderful YouTube channel with very entertaining videos, wonderfully explained, often were about making basic dishes really well. The explanations are so enjoyable and even if there’s only a small tip you didn’t know before, I find them worthwhile watching. And with Thanksgiving coming up soon, I figured this would be a great time for this effort. It's one he did on making “the best” simple turkey gravy. (This video is much shorter than most that he posts, only 90 seconds, but man, does his gravy look delicious. And simple.) Back in July, I posted an episode of Wait, Wait…Don’t Tell Me! with guest contestant J. Kenji Lopez-Alt, who’s a chef, New York Times food columnist, James Beard Award winner for his cookbook – and has a wonderful YouTube channel with very entertaining videos, wonderfully explained, often were about making basic dishes really well. As I noted a few weeks back, his explanations are so enjoyable and even if there’s only a small tip you didn’t know before, I find them worthwhile watching. And so I've started posting them. So, here’s one he did on making a grilled cheese sandwich. And yes, I know that a grilled cheese sandwich is a very basic, incredibly easy thing to make. But the video is wonderful because he not only has two different recipes for cooking them, but they come with some “Why didn’t I think of that?!” tips. |
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AuthorRobert J. Elisberg is a political commentator, screenwriter, novelist, tech writer and also some other things that I just tend to keep forgetting. 
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