I wrote this piece for the Huffington Post in October, 2011. But I just today read a headline that was -- "Khloe Kardashian's Cleavage Steals the Spotlight," so, after my teeth finished unclenching and I was able to burst out laughing, I just thought it remained too appropriate, and have brought it back.
It was announced today that a new reality series starring Kim Kardashian's breasts will be added to the E! network schedule later this year. The program, Hey! Look at the Large Breasts of Kim Kardashian, follows on the heels of the E! network's successful series Keeping Up with the Kardashians; Kim & Khloe Take New York; Khloe & Lamar; and the upcoming special this Sunday, Kim's Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event, as well as Kourtney & Kendall Get Mad at One Another, Kylie Wants Her Own Show, and Kris Sells It All Including Her Soul.
"I am very excited to be getting my very own show on E!," said Ms. Kardashian's breasts. "While I appreciate the attention that Kim brought to me, I've felt for the past couple of years that my part in her success hasn't been allowed to fully blossom. I love Kim dearly, but she's never hid the fact that she doesn't have any discernible talents, ability or skillset. So, honestly, what does that leave? She's always understood that audiences watch her solely for my gifts, which is why they have always been so prominently featured, and stand out front and center. I know that that probably sounds egotistical and maybe sexist, but truthfully if Kim had breasts that weren't me, but some other breasts like ping pong balls, do you think anyone would pay her the slightest attention? That's why this is my time to shine."
The series plans to follow the lively antics of Kim Kardashian's breasts everywhere they go with the same inside look that has popularized all the Kardashian Family Events. Audiences will see the breasts when they're being primped at modeling shoots, visiting sweaty nightclubs, during exciting and unexpected Kardashian Family Arguments, jet-setting around the world, jogging, jumping up and down, and much more, including intimate scenes at a level of privacy rarely shown by others far more concerned with modesty, decency and good sense. Hip, cutting-edge fashion, of course, will also play a big part of the series, as Kim Kardashian's breasts will be seen in tight t-shirts, low-cut gowns, string bikinis and some surprises.
"This is a show we've wanted to do for a long time," said Charles Benderson, head of programming for E! "It's the logical extension of what all our Kardashian shows have been leading up to, and what the public has clearly told us it wants. Now, for the first time, audiences will get an insight into what it's really like being Kim Kardashian's breasts with a close-up view that people have never had before. For instance, how do they get perky when they're not feeling perky but have to go out and face the public? Is there any jealousy from the other breasts in the Kardashian family? What fears do they have about popping out at the wrong time - or do they even have those fears? How do they deal with insecurity when the camera isn't on them?"
Ms. Kardashian's breasts will continue to make guest appearances on all the other Kardashian Family shows. "What would a Kardashian show be without Kim Kardashian's breasts?!" commented Benderson. The breasts will be heavily featured in this Sunday's Fairytale Wedding Event special as a way to lead into the new series.
The E! network has committed to 22 one-hour episodes of Hey! Look at the Large Breasts of Kim Kardashian, to be part of an all-Kardashian block of weekend programming. If successful, it could lead to a spin-off all-Kardashian network that would include more Kardashian sisters dating basketball players; programs on the hitherto unknown Kardashian sisters Kiki, Katrina, Karol and Ksusan; news shows on the latest Kardashian rumors; exercise programming that emphasizes stretching; The Top Kard, a game show where each sister tries to one-up her siblings, and a focus on other body parts.
"I think that people will be both entertained and surprised by this show, seeing my many facets, how well-rounded I am," the breasts commented. "There is much more to me than just being large breasts. So many people want to pigeon-hole you when you're breasts. But we're going to show the serious side, the deep side, the meaningful side of being Kim Kardashian's breasts. But don't worry! It will all done with the same Kardashian outrageousness everyone has come to expect. After all, when you do Kardashian programs with an egomaniacal celebrity like Bruce Jenner, and he comes across as the sane one of the family, that tells you a lot!"
Hey! Look at the Large Breasts of Kim Kardashian premieres on the E! network this holiday season. Checking local listings for times.
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Robert J. Elisberg is a political commentator, screenwriter, novelist, tech writer and also some other things that I just tend to keep forgetting.
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