I’ve been meaning to post this for a long while, since it was first posted in the New Yorker back in July. But for reasons inexplicable – since I dearly it love and find the piece hilarious -- I keep putting it off or forgetting. No More. It’s a three-part, serialized short story, written by Simon Rich. He’s a frequent contributor to the New Yorker; was on staff at Saturday Night Live; wrote for The Simpsons, wrote the screenplay for the HBO Max original, An American Pickle that starred Seth Rogen, based on one of his short stories; and currently wrote the upcoming remake Wonka. But I most love his work for the TBS insane and wonderfully funny series, Miracle Workers with Daniel Radcliffe and Steve Buscemi, based on his short stories. This particular story is from his latest collection, New Teeth, of which Kirkus Reviews wrote, “"Rich presents parody, absurdity, observational wit, the sudden shift in a familiar premise, and a surprising touch of sweetness and charm throughout... [New Teeth is] so consistently funny, so exceptional in its imaginative use of parody as to be near genius. A fertile mind provides many smiles in this entertaining collection—and more than a few out-loud laughs." The story is called “The Big Nap.” It’s a film-noir type tale of a hard-boiled gumshoe who’s seen it all and is a bit world-weary when, against his better judgement he’s dragged into a case by a mysterious dame who claims that someone has gone missing who is very important to her. The twist on things is that the detective is a two-year old, and the mysterious dame is a younger girl he’s seen around after recently showing up. She's lost her toy unicorn. Rich’s writing style is spot-on perfect, and he’s able to somehow make all the old detective cliches fit like a glove, that gives them a surprising freshness. Yes, it’s personal taste and all, but that’s mine. It’s also to the personal taste of my friend Treva Silverman who sent it to me, and who won two Emmy Awards writing for the Mary Tyler Moore Show, so I give it added points for that. Here’s how the story begins – The detective woke up just after dawn. It was a typical morning. His knees were scraped and bruised, his clothes were damp and soiled, and his teeth felt like someone had socked him in the jaw. He reached for the bottle he kept under his pillow and took a sloppy swig. The taste was foul, but it did the trick. Now he could sit up and think. Now he could start to figure out how to somehow face another goddam day. He stared at his reflection in the mirror. He wasn’t getting any younger. His eyes were red and bleary. His scalp was dry and itchy. He was two years old, and soon he would be three. Unless he stayed two. He wasn’t sure if you stayed the age you were or if that changed. He wasn’t sure about a lot of things. The only thing he knew was he was tired. Tired of this down-and-dirty life. Tired of trying to make sense of a world gone mad. The client was waiting for him in his nursery. He’d seen her around before. She’d come onto the scene about a year ago, moving into the white bassinet down the hall. Some people called her Sweetheart. Others called her Pumpkin. But most people knew her by her full name: Baby Anna. She looked innocent enough, with her big, wide eyes and Princess Elsa onesie. But her past was murky. The detective had heard that she came from the hospital. But there was also a rumor that she’d once lived inside Mommy’s tummy. It didn’t add up. Still, a job was a job. “So, what brings you here?” the detective asked. “It’s Moomoo,” Baby Anna said. “She’s missing.” I shall say no more about the story. All I’ll add is that Rich sustains the tale wonderfully through three parts. You can find Chapter One here. The other two parts have links at the top of the page, but just to provide another option, here’s also how to get to them -- For Part Two click here. For Part Three click here.
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AuthorRobert J. Elisberg is a political commentator, screenwriter, novelist, tech writer and also some other things that I just tend to keep forgetting. Feedspot Badge of Honor
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