Continuing our policy of attempting to wean ourselves away from writing at great length about political hell every single day, I thought I’d jump in with a customer service tale.
I’ve ordered the Solimo hand sanitizer twice now, which is Amazon’s house brand. The issue at hand (okay, yes, pun intended) is not with the quality of the product – which has a very good rating and is also extremely well-priced. Rather, in both instances the expiration date was only 4-5 months away. On all websites I’ve checked, including the CDC’s, hand sanitizer should be stable for 2-3 years. So, 4-5 months is considered less.
Also, the order is for six 10-ounce bottles. I wasn’t sure if I’d use up all that in three years. So, there is no way on earth I can use that much hand sanitizer in four months -- unless I start drinking it as aperitif before dinning. And even then, I might have to start chugging it as the expiration date nears.
To be clear, Amazon has been very good about dealing with this. They give no argument and have said each time on their own that they’ll refund the money and I can keep the product. So, in essence I’m getting it for free for four months, twice. And that’s lovely, but I’d rather order it once and have it good for three years and not have to go through all the phone calls and re-ordering (arguably ever again, God willing), especially since the price is so reasonable. If I had a three year supply, it would work out to just $5 a year.
I’m not writing about that so much, though, as I am about the conversations I have with the Amazon folks. And again, as I said, even the conversations have all be very personable and responsive, and pleasant to deal with. It’s just that they always say the same, one particular thing, and it takes all my effort to be as polite in return as possible not to explain how utterly, monumentally wrong – and potentially dangerous – their cheery, well-meaning comments are.
Take this recent instance. The first call I made was to Amazon Customer Service to deal with the order. The second call was to the Amazon Brands office because I wanted to know what was going on with the expiration date – was there an old backlog, or bad timing luck on my part, or was this simply the standard with Solimo – when it came time in four months to order new hand sanitizer.
And what they always say is, “Oh, I use this product myself and use it past the expiration date, and it’s just fine. It doesn’t go bad.”
I always then take a breath and give the polite response. “Thanks, yes, I do know it doesn’t just go bad when it passes the expiration, but that it starts to degrade and over time loses more and more of its potency. And honestly, when it comes to a worldwide pandemic, I’m just not willing to take a risk with a less-potent degraded product past its expiration.
They always answer, “That’s very true. And yes, I completely understand. That makes sense.”
What I want to say is – “Wait, don’t tell me it’s perfectly fine past its expiration! You have no idea if it’s perfectly fine. I mean, seriously. Do you have a lab at home? Do you test it? Are you a scientist or send it in to a research center? How on earth do you even possibly know that it’s just absolutely fine after the expiration date???! Especially since all science says it starts to degrade when expired. And how long do you believe that it’s just fine? A year?? Two months? A week? And how would you know?! As kind and thoughtful as you’re trying to be, that is truly awful, and potentially dangerous advice.”
But I don’t say that. I just take a breath and push the subject elsewhere. Today, though, I have to admit that I did finally get a little fed up hearing that well-intended but deeply wrong-headed comment yet again and (because I didn’t want anyone giving that “advice” to other customers who might believe her as an Authority Figure with Amazon Brands) finally said a much-more polite version, along the lines of “Okay, thanks, yes, though in fairness I don’t have a way of testing how effective it still is, and you probably don’t, so I just don’t want to take a risk during a pandemic.”
She understood and said, “That’s very true. And yes, I completely understand.”
In four months, when December comes around and it’s time to renew the soon-to-be-expired batch, I’ll figure out if I want to go through this again or just trying another brand. I’ve already done the research and have my list.
And look forward to not having to order hand sanitizer again, period.
Robert J. Elisberg is a political commentator, screenwriter, novelist, tech writer and also some other things that I just tend to keep forgetting.
Feedspot Badge of Honor