I've been reading a lot lately about Republican officials trying to outrage the far-right base by railing against how the Green New Deal shows that Democrats want to ban cows. Now, there are two possibilities here: first, either those GOP officials are smart and rational and don't truly believe Democrats actually want ban cows, so they're being deceitful demagogues attempting to spread manic frenzy to what they know is a foolishly-idiotic, breathtakingly-gullible, mindlessly-trusting base about an insane issue of banning an entire species that couldn't be done even if it was real -- or second, they themselves are so rabidly ignorant as to actually believe that Democrats really, truly, honestly want to ban cows There are no other options. It's one or the other. I suspect the former, though given the existence of Louie Gohmert (R-TX), I don't discount the latter.
In response, I was planning to make a cogent, meticulously-prepared, eloquent argument to explain why there is absolutely zero in the Green New Deal or on any scrap of paper among Democratic files or even private diaries, let alone in imaginary thoughts, that says or suggests they want to, in fact, ban cows. But as I started to type my treatise I realized..."Wait, stop! This is insane." If someone honestly needs convincing that Democrats don't want to ban cows, then there is no force on earth or in heaven to convince them otherwise. It's not only something they want to believe because it fits the fantasy scenario they've created in what they refer to as their minds, but something they need to believe in order to justify a world where thought is too scary a concept, so relying on others to tell them how to behave and lead their lives is their only way to survive.
Therefore rather than try to convince them that they are wrong, I figure that the only other thing to do is explain why banning cows is such a wonderful idea, so that they might understand and support the proposal with a full and open heart.
After all, for all those on the far-right upset at Democrats wanting to ban cows, they have to remember the most important thing: that there is no Second Amendment right to own a cow. So, cows don't have a Constitutional protection. As those who believe in Original Intent, if the Founding Fathers wanted cows protected, they would have written it down. Saying, "You will have to pull this cow out of my cold, dead hands" is meaningless. Not just because it's not worth giving up your life for a potential steak or dish of ice cream -- especially when there are so many other delicious choices, like lamp chops or a bowl of sherbet -- nor because most people have never even held a cow in their hands, but most people wouldn't want to.
Nor would you really miss cows. Seriously, after you're 12 years old, how often do you even have milk? Maybe to smooth out your bitter cup of joe a bit, and you can use non-dairy Coffee-Mate (tm) for that. And it's only the liberal frou-frou elite who need foam for their double-latte, and there's sheep's milk and goat milk they can use, after all, which I'm sure foams up wonderfully. Hey, even coconuts can provide milk in a pinch!
If cows were really important, and necessary (beyond not being in the Constitution), they would have a major organization dedicated to their protection and proliferation, to make sure everyone had a cow, or even two. But there is no National Cow Association. No NCA advocacy group trying to convince Americans that they need cows to keep them safe -- because, after all, let's face it, cows are pretty gentle creatures so benign that for countless generations young kids have had fun simply tipping them over. No NCA lobbyists pushing Congress to maintain your cow rights. No spokesperson offering thoughts and prayers every time a cow went to the Great Cow Pasture in the Sky.
In fact, quite the contrary, people actually appreciate it when cows bite the dust, because it means more roast beef, hamburgers and barbecued ribs. (Which, to be clear, can all be replaced with tasty dishes from other farm animals.) So, to cry out to protect cows when you're regularly hoping they get butchered makes zero sense.
Hey, it wasn't all that long ago we we did ban cows, albeit in small amounts and just briefly, to protect US from Mad Cow Disease. And people made it through just fine. Don't think of that as just a temporary occurance, but a test run that worked.
And if there are some of those people who just simply couldn't do without cows, they could always import frozen steaks from abroad (though there might be high tariffs) -- or save up to take a Beef Lovers Trip overseas or to Canada.
But if in the end cows went the way of the dodo and became extinct -- well...honestly, extinction has never been a great concern to the far right. For many decades they've even fought against environmental protections for species about to disappear. So, starting now to "care" about cows seems unlikely and far too hypocritical for even those to whom hypocrisy is almost like breathing.
Contrast that with all the benefits from banning cows, from the dangerous hazard of them wandering onto roads in the face of onrushing cars -- to the ability to help save the environment for our children and the future from the absence of ozone-depleting methane gas in cow farts.
And if all of that doesn't convince you of the great many reasons it's right to ban cows, then you're probably just a tree-hugging, cow-loving liberal snowflake.
In the end, though, there is really just one, final argument against trying to convince people that they're wrong about the Green New Deal.
And it's that anyone who actually believes Democrats want to ban cows is not voting for Democrats EVER. And there's a 34% chance they would not be voting, period. Partly because they don't think enough to care to vote and partly because they couldn't find their polling place
Robert J. Elisberg is a political commentator, screenwriter, novelist, tech writer and also some other things that I just tend to keep forgetting.
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