I was trying to figure out what to write today about Indictment Day on Tuesday. I’m not a lawyer, so I can’t add much in analyzing the minutely-detailed law. And I can’t add much to what analysts said on TV for nine non-stop hours. The most I can write is, “Yippee!” but that’s a pretty short column for such a notable day.
By the way, yes, I know this is a “Solemn Day” (tm) when a former U.S. President is indicted for trying to overthrow the government. But it’s not like this is Trump’s first indictment, it’s Indictment Number Three. And he’s also been found liable in court for committing the equivalence of rape. And we all lived through the Mueller Report describing collusion with Russians, two impeachments, an Insurrection, three years of crying about non-existent stolen elections, and pushing the Republican Party towards fascism. So, while the concept of a “Solemn Day” (tm) is totally true, we’ve already lived through our share of Solemn Days, and it’s really closer at this point to something more like -- “Finally! It’s About Time!!! Day”. So, how then to address yesterday’s “overthrow the government” indictment and add some totally different perspective that is not being gotten from the news??? And it occurred to me. The Glasser Files. I have a great friend with whom I regularly trade emails about all manner of subjects, including an intense interest in politics. He’s always asked to be kept out of being mentioned in columns here, so I was stunned in our exchanges yesterday when he said, yes, you can use my name. (I love his reason when I expressed my shock. He teaches college these days, and said, “My students know your column -- I use it to teach argument essays -- and they don't want me to be a wuss.”) So, let it be known, students, that Professor Barry Glasser is officially no wuss. (I doubt seriously that Barry goes by “Professor,” but I like the way it sounds.) A little background on the good fellow, to put this in perspective. Barry is a maven of movies. Early on, he and I wrote a couple of screenplays together. He’s in the Writers Guild, and was a seriously-impressive PR expert at several studios, as high as VP of Publicity. He’s written several produced movies, notably Gold Diggers with Christina Ricci and Anna Chlumsky. Created a couple of animated series (one of which I wrote for). And has produced five movies and two TV series. He’s directed, is a playwright, and is a member of the Motion Picture Academy, joyfully participating with the International Film Committee, inhaling their movies at Oscar time as only he can. A few years back, Barry wanted to get back into teaching. He left Hollywood (though has continued writing and producing) and got hired by a college in Texas. (Yes, I know, Texas. But somehow he found a political oasis in the state that has let him live without screaming in agony 24/7.) I know his students are aware that Professor Glasser has Hollywood credentials. I don’t think they have any idea how lucky they are to have him teaching them. Barry is a deeply solid, thoughtful guy with a great sense of humor. A rock of substance and with great enthusiasm when it’s deserved. But he has two other qualities that stand out. One is that he binges streaming series and movies to the degree that he has reached the exalted, Black Belt level of Master Guru of Bingeing. He’ll get caught in binge cycles so exhaustive that sometimes I expect him to send out an S.O.S. plea for “Dear God, help! I’m drowning in an ocean of binge!” And this overlaps with the second quality – his love of politics. He’s impatient in his politics worthy of a Binge Master. So much so that he dives in and gets involved with campaigns. His binge-like impatience with politics often leads him to a state of grave concern when things he wants don’t happen fast enough, for which one of my official duties is to "talk me off the ledge.” As any election nears, he’s in full-angst mode. He’s wanted Trump convicted since, I think, halfway through his first year in office. (“What is taking them so long??!! When is he going to jail?!”) So, when news started to break yesterday that something very serious seemed up in the D.C. courts, I knew that Barry was likely glued to the TV (it’s Summer break) – watching, waiting, on the edge of his seat in binge-anxious hell and fevered anticipation. Which leads us to my thought of taking the perspective of Trump’s latest indictment away from standard TV commentary and putting it through the uncommon lens of Glasser World. When news seemed at a higher pitch that something maybe, possibly might be about to happen, I knew that the semi-calm of television analysts was not matched by what was even remotely going on with my friend. So, I sent the following email to him -- Subject: Calling all Emergency Vehicles in Texas “Please be put on standby alert and head to the Glasser residence where homeowner may have need of oxygen from anticipatory hyperventilation and post-celebration excess.” I got a barrage of emails in return. Lots of “Are you watching this? Are you watching this??? When will they indict him already???!!” That brought forth another email from me -- “I hope you padded your walls, because I have this image of you bouncing off them like a pinball.” And then, finally, he got his six-year wish, and it was announced that Trump had at last been indicted for trying to overthrow the government. I didn’t even wait to hear from him – for starters, I wasn’t sure if he might have entered a state of nirvana so high that he might not be able to type. So, I wrote to him first – Subject: Weather report update from Texas “Attention all news stations: “There is NOT – repeat, not – a tornado in the state. That explosion of air was only Barry Glasser exhaling his years-pent-up energy.” To his credit, he loved these notes. I suspect it’s because he was aware that I was probably pretty close to accurate. His emails flew in furiously, as he binged writing them -- “Loved Ari Melber's line: This isn't a speaking indictment, it's a shouting indictment.” “Finally. What Trump himself knew we needed. Retribution.” “Jack Smith charged so smartly. And he drew a killer judge. God was present.” “It's like watching the greatest Frankenheimer political thriller ever conceived.” Leave it to Barry to throw in a movie allusion. John Frankenheimer, one of the all-time great directors of political thrillers. The Manchurian Candidate, Seven Days in May, Black Sunday, The Train, French Connection II, Ronin, as well as Birdman of Alcatraz, Grand Prix, The Rainmaker…and more. In fact, Barry kept returning to his love of John Frankenheimer movies. And he tied it incredibly cleverly into an overlap with current movie culture, writing -- “Again. Today's theme is not Barbenheimer. It's Frankenheimer. Seven Hours in August. The moment to moment suspense. Breathtaking.” I was laughing throughout. Not only because it was all Pure Glasser, but also because I knew he was speaking for so many others, who understood it was a “Solemn Day” (tm), but also “Finally! It’s About Time Day”. Imagining the cyclone of joyful release that must be going on at his home across the Texas prairie, I wrote an email that said in its entirety -- “Glasser Neighbor: Keep it down in there, for God’s sake!! I can hear you across the street! It’s so loud I can’t hear my music and it’s scaring my dogs. Glasser: But Trump was just indicted!!!!!! Glasser Neighbor: Oh. Congratulations. But please keep my dogs in mind.” Popcorn for dinner was brought up. As was popping the cork for champagne. Emails were falling over themselves. It was like a cascade of joy. And I’m sure, as I said, that it was a feeling of paradise held by many households across the country – just not at the same explosive level of visceral, pent-up release. After all, I have no doubt the celebration in his home continued many hours later. Most likely he’s on a political binger. And it will last until the election kicks back into gear, at which point I may have to talk him off the ledge. Though now, at least, he has his indictment safety net built in. * The preceding was brought to you courtesy of a generous endowment from the John D. Rockefeller Charitable Trust. If you know someone with a bingeing problem, call a professional for help, but know that it is curable. This article is dedicated to the Honorary Society for “Students of Barry Glasser”. Past, Present and Future. When in Hollywood, visit John Frankenheimer’s star on the Walk of Fame.
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AuthorRobert J. Elisberg is a political commentator, screenwriter, novelist, tech writer and also some other things that I just tend to keep forgetting. Feedspot Badge of Honor
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