This is not from The Onion. This is not a parody, comedy piece. This is not a long-lost story by James Thurber. It is not some supposedly-real material that is floating around the Internet that people insist is real.
This was sent to me the other day by a good friend who received it as a dead-serious email from his apartment building's manager. He's told me about his manager in the past, so this fits all those tales to a T, just more so. When I called him up getting after this, he was still laughing about it and telling me the backstory to all the details in it. (In fact, he sent me a follow-up from the manager a couple days ago. It was funny, but nothing compared to this masterpiece.) In the annals of notes from an apartment building's manager, this is Shakespearean.
Not that I want to oversell it, mind you. But it's that fun. And I want to impress upon you that it's actually worth it to keep reading. I'm sure not everyone will appreciate it as I did. But I feel confident that most people will at least thoroughly enjoy the ride.
When I received the note, it clearly was a bit long so I didn't plan on reading the whole thing, but just figured I would read the first point, and then skim the rest quickly. That first point was whimsical but fairly straightforward, so I started to skim. But what I found was so entertaining that I went back to point #2 to see what I had missed and started again from scratch. As I kept kept reading and then laughing more as it went on, I ultimately got pulled along to the end. Which is what you want from any fine literature.
This is exactly as I received it. Mistakes and all. The only things I've changed were any names. Everything else is the same. And it is all true.
Happy Holidays to all and wish you a great season & year full of joy & happiness.
Kindly note the following:
- We hired security guards as of Saturday December 8, 2017 through out January 8, 2018, from 10:30 P.M. to 6:30 A.M., like last year. In case you see them don’t be alerted. They might ask anyone or your guests which unit they are going to or if they are the tenant in the building. So Hopefully this will help the car vandalism and stealing a bit. There’s 2 guys from DEADBOLTZ SECURITY, they switch shifts every night. One of them is called Fritz & the other one Jerry. So you won’t see the same guard every night.
- As for intercom system, I have a suggestion, if anyone likes what I suggests, let me know. It is to just put your phone number and Unit numbers on the system and NO First/Last name. So if someone enters the building and we ask them which unit, if they know they would give your name, and we would know that they haven’t read the names on intercom. However, there would be a new system after the construction, but let me know if you are interested.
- If you have plumbing issues, DO NOT put Drano in your pipes, it makes it worst, just let us know to send plumber.
- The issues that concern our vendors (Elevators, AC’s, Laundry, Plumbing & etc.) when either is not operating, you need to wait for our vendors to show up and fix the issue. I could do only much by calling them and set up a time and day, couldn’t pressure them. As for Laundry machines, all I could do is to return your lost coins. So please work with us and have patience. There’s 2 elevators in the building and always one of them is operable!!! It would be very rare for both not to be working.
- Trash chutes are being clogged very often, it would be highly appreciated if you would ONLY drop trash that is size of the chutes to prevent clogging them. On this matter there’s also nothing much I could do, unless have a class in the Lobby and teach everyone how to throw trash in the chutes!!
- Please again just park on your assigned parking areas and if not I will tow you without hesitation. If it’s after hours and anyone parks in my spot, just leave a note stating number of your unit, in case I come over and need your car to be moved. As you all know, I work odd hours.
- For texting me, kindly as much as possible, text me during business hours of 9:00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M., Monday through Friday. Also if you don’t write your names or unit numbers, I will just delete and block your numbers immediately. In case it’s an emergency which you could call me 24/7, the ONLY emergency that is my responsibility is FLOOD in your units, for the rest of the issues call 911 or fire department.
If a tenant is having a party, DON’T text me at 3:00 A.M, because you won’t like my reply!!! Confront the tenant and if not successful call 911, NOT ME!!!!!
- If you get locked out of your unit and I don’t hv anyone available on the premises, first of all its NOT MY JOB or responsibility, but as a courtesy if I’m around or my maintenance will have them open the door for you, otherwise either call locksmith and pay $150 or have $75 cash in your hands till I send someone after hours or even within business hours, and that is if I could. Otherwise please don’t bother me with this issue.
MAINTENANCE WORK HOURS:
- For the month of December 2017, our workers will be working longer hours than usual to complete all issues and your maintenance requests before the year ends. So please work with us and the noise they might make. They won’t work longer than 7:00 P.M, unless we have to. For all your maintenance issues, all should be texted or emailed to me first. Otherwise, Lawrence or his crew won’t take care of your issues and if they do, they will be in trouble. Please don’t ask my maintenance for extra jobs, unless you want to pay them out of your own pocket, still has to go through me. As for their pricing they give you or how it’s handled, is none of my business.
- Nobody needs to bring to my attention what are my responsibilities. The person who signs my pay checks has already told me my responsibilities. In case you wanted to know what they are ask me, but DON’T ever demand to me what are my responsibilities. If you ever get the pleasure to sign my pay checks then you could demand to me!!!! Each building has it’s own rules and regulations, not all are the same. If I’m not tuff, I couldn’t handle 150 units and all will be climbing over my head!!! Also I cant satisfy you all nor all of you should like me!!! It’s my job to take care of your maintenance issues, regardless of our personal issues. So always feel free to email or text me about your maintenance issues regardless of your hatered.
- Kindly if you like to continue on your Anonymous notes in elevators, write “F….. U…….” with a marker or pen to be visible!!!! So you could give your stress out completely!!! Otherwise none of this is new to me!!! It’s just embarrassing to see Professional Adults don’t have the audacity to introduce themselves!!! Well this is considered a mental sickness!!! But next time let me know, because the F word is so common and the ONLY word mostly everyone uses!!! I could teach you way better words……… so that way you could get it out of your system better. LOL!!! I believe everyone has a choice of where to live and when to leave!!!! If you live somewhere that you are uncomfortable and don’t like the manager or management, you are just wasting your time and life!!! Life is too short to put up with someone like me!!!! And instead of solving your issues, just gossip in the hallways together!!! It will get you nowhere!!! But then again some people just live for this kind of life and there’s nothing we can do.