Yesterday, Trump gave a speech where, at one point – for some reason – he wanted to get a slam in about when the U.S. returned the Panama Canal during a Democratic Administration. Something that happened over a quarter of a century ago under Jimmy Carter. So long ago that there's a huge segment of Americans who weren’t alive then and likely have no idea that it even was ever under U.S. control.
And the way Trump did it was in a weird sort of quip where he said: “I even had a conversation with Theodore Roosevelt. I asked how did you think about the fact that the Democrats gave the Panama Canal away to Panama for $1.”
(A slight digression. Here’s a Pro Tip: When so many people understand that expert psychologists say Trump has dementia, it’s best for him to avoid talking about a conversation he had with someone who died before he was born. To be clear, weird though it was, I thought it was easy to grasp his quip right off, but the overwhelming response on social media was not remotely as forgiving. Honest. Given his past delusions, telling stories about incidents that never occurred, most people replying weren’t convinced he was just joking.)
The thing is, which made his quip even more weird, after raising the question he said that he had asked President Roosevelt, Trump never explained what TR answered.
So, being a curious sort, I took it upon myself to contact the late President. And what he said was –
“Bully!! Thank you for reaching out, my good man. And what an unexpected question that was you pass along. What did I think about it when I heard the United States of America had given the Panama Canal back to Panama – and for just $1? Well, sir, I thought that Panama made one wonderful deal!! That’s one superb negotiator they have, yes, sir. Bully for them! But then, it really made sense, didn’t it?, for all concerned. The good old U.S. of A ran the Canal for 75 years when it made sense for us to do so. But the world changed after three quarters of a century, so many different means of transport, aren’t there? These aeroplanes are marvelous inventions, I must tell you, marvelous. And we don’t have to be burdened with running a Canal any more. Building the Canal was a most majestic adventure! But running it? After 75 years, enough is enough. For goodness sake, my good man, we cut a canal through the entire center of another country! It divided the country in half. I kept thinking at the time – imagine if another country cut the good old United States of America in half??! Good god, man, can you imagine??! How remarkable it is that we were able to do so with Panama. And so, after 75 years, the U.S. of A gave the Panama Canal, which is in the middle of Panama, back to Panama. And this Trump thinks I would be bothered by that? By good and decent and common sense? That speaks far more loudly about him than about me. The world didn't end, did it? The U.S. of A hasn’t been hurt, has it? So, what do I think about it? I say, Bully!! Well-done by that Carter fellow. Good for him. Good for the country. Both countries.
“Do you have another moment? Because while I have you here, I want to mention something that the question you passed along got my dander up a bit and made me want to set a few records straight.
“I was what the newspapers and country called a Trust Buster, you know. I broke up corporations. These huge mergers of companies? Bad thing for Americans, sir. Very bad. But I see that this Trump fellow, he is enabling them. Even worse, while I broke up corporations, I keep reading that he's actually getting the government to buy into them! To actually be part owners in those very same consortiums, making them even bigger, more massive, more dangerous for the American people. In my day, sir, we called that boodle. The grift. When they did that sort of thing with that fiasco about Teapot Dome in the 1920s after I left office and left this earth – do you remember that? – I was beside myself when news reached me. People in the government went to prison. And should have. It destroyed the President Harding Administration. And should have, sir. Should have. And I’ll tell you, if this Trump fellow is doing some hornswoggle buying into corporations, mark my word, sir, he won’t stop at that. There will be more swindle going on. I’ll bet a dollar to a doughnut on it. You just watch him. I don’t have the first idea what this ‘cryptocurrency’ is he keeps asking Americans to invest in from him – and my understanding is that most people don’t either, including him – but I do know that anything that calls itself ‘crypto’ is telling you to your face it’s a diddle, so check your wallet to make sure it’s still there. In my day, we called it Three Card Monte. And if you got caught at it, you went to prison. And what is a president doing peddling personal goods like a snake oil salesman? And he wants to ride my coattails.
“By the by, if you get a chance to talk to this Trump, because I want nothing to do with the man – good god, how he rambled and went on about himself, I couldn’t make hide nor hair of what he was saying, and the disturbing part was that I don’t think he knew either. I fear he's not well. I don’t have time to waste with him, which is saying a lot because I have eternity – but if you two do speak, remind him that I created five National Parks. And 18 National Monuments, including the Grand Canyon. And this fellow is destroying them and destroying the environment. How does one do that, sir? That’s the legacy of America. Our land. Yes, this land is our land, the land is everyone’s – a fine song that that Guthrie fellow wrote, I’ll have to send him a note – and this Trump is destroying it. That’s even worse than when he tore down the White House! And did my ire ever rise at that, I can tell you. I near had apoplexy. But at least you can do what you are able to rebuild that. But when you destroy the parks, the forests, the majesty of our lands, it’s gone, sir. Forever. And at this point in my existence, I know ‘forever’. And he wants to ride my coattails.
“Ride my coattails. Harrumph. Because, what?, he says he asked me a question? You’ll note, I trust, that he didn’t dare give my answer. Well, I’ll tell you, sir, that that was no surprise. Because I know this kind of a poltroon all too well, I see it in him whenever he speaks, I saw it in the society dandies throughout career, the insecure flowers afraid to be contradicted, who must always be right, best, untouchable, lest they be found out, lest their weakness be seen. He stands as leader of the nation, for goodness sake. A leader must be able to take everything. You take the hits and push back, or adjust when it's right to do so. It's what gives your people confidence. And then take your country up the hill. This is your Bully Pulpit. But if this coward ever has the courage to quote me, he should try something that I wrote back in 1918 --
“‘To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.’
“And he wants to ride my coattails. He can’t carry my spats.
“One thing before you go. There doesn’t seem to be a point I can discern for why this Trump went to war by choice against Persia. Or it is Iran they call it now? I can’t figure out why he would do so. I’m not shrinking violet about going to war, you know. Walk softly and carry a big stick, that's what I always say. I led the Rough Riders in the Spanish-American War, you know? I was a Lieutenant Colonel. No bone spurs for me. Did you hear in his speech yesterday Trump said he wanted to give himself the Medal of Honor?! For what? Pardoning 1,600 Insurrectionists who tried to overthrow the government? I was actually awarded the Medal of Honor. It was for “conspicuous gallantry” leading a horseback charge up San Juan Hill. I even was awarded the Medal of Honor. I charged ahead of my troops to reach the enemy trenches in the first wave, which military experts say turned the tide of the battle. Tell that to Trump. My Medal of Honor was the real thing. So, I understand war, I understand fighting a war when necessary. But…that in Iran?? It seems brainsick. A disaster. On every level. What in the world was he thinking? My guess from experience, sir, is that ‘thinking’ had nothing to do with it.
“I rode up San Juan Hill. He wants to ride my coattails.
“Well, that’s it then. Thank you, my good man, for contacting me. I had a wonderful time. Bully! Check back whenever you like. But don’t bring that Trump man along. But you’re welcome any time. Let us stay in touch. I hear you have what they call a ‘website.’ Be sure to let me know how to get it. I’d like to read it every day. I love good writing. Did you know I wrote 37 books? Has Trump read 37 books? And I wrote regular news columns, too. I hope you write about the Chicago Cubs. I’ve grown to love them. I was so happy when they finally won the World Series in 2016! Bully!!”
