The Investigation

The last couple of days, I wrote two articles about the Oscars.  There turned out to be a major uproar, an outrage, in fact, that I had devoted two articles back-to-back on something so frivolous.  They were saying that they put so much time in coming to the website and reading what I’ve written that this was such a disappointment and waste.  They come to the site to read the semi-thoughtful, occasionally insightful articles in the morning on politics – and check the site out in the evening, in case I’ve written another one, but put up with the light-hearted pieces on sports or the beloved Northwestern or Harry Secombe or relentless stories about Chicago or my summer camp or trains (including having to explain to the inveterate Chris Dunn every year on National Train Day why Bridge on the River Kwai is a train movie) or the Chicago Cubs or musicals...as long as they’re already here.  But two articles in a row on “the Oscars”???!  It was just too much for so many people.  And so, a growing, paid swarm of readers banded together and demanded an investigation as to why they believe I did such a thoughtless, irresponsible act.

The calls were for an independent ombudsman from outside the Weebly online service that runs this website to conduct the investigation.  However, as the official authority of my own site, I have refused requests to give them my personal notes on story ideas and blocked efforts to gain access to the private documents and files. These two stories had nothing to do with Weebly, and so I have determined that their participation or any other outside source would be inappropriate.  But I understand that an investigation is necessary.  And so, because no one knows about the writing of articles here better than I do, I said that I would conduct the investigation myself.  To qualm any concerns, I explained that I insisted it would be thorough, detailed and honest.

That investigation is now completed.  And in full transparency, here is the report – 

The investigation of Elisberg Industries, undertaken by Robert J. Elisberg, has determined that Mr. Elisberg did absolutely nothing wrong.  Furthermore, since the Oscar nominations had been announced only days before, it was not only appropriate, but almost required by his literary training, having received a Bachelor in Science degree in Radio, TV and Film from the beloved Northwestern University, and a Masters in Fine Arts in screenwriting from UCLA – and Mr. Elisberg’s 40 years in the film and television industries, as a member of the Writers Guild of America and Publicists Guild – that he knew what he was doing and talking about when he wrote his initial article on Monday about the Oscars.  And that to support that decision, it was appropriate and indeed necessary to support it with a follow-up article the next day, in order to add perspective and make the pieces of a whole.. Everything was done properly by Mr. Elisberg’s training and years of expertise.  The facts were correct.  The sentence structure followed approved literary guidelines.  The conclusions were accurate.  The typos are a normal function of editing, not writing, and also allow readers to participate by feeling they are helping when letting the author know, and were subsequently “corrected.”  The articles meet all official standards, most notably that when you write for free you don't have to proofread. Our investigation into suggestions that different topics should have been selected or that the articles could have been written better or that other possible conclusions might have been drawn determine that such suggestions are biased and just plain mean-spirited.  Mr. Elisberg himself was there at the keyboard when the articles were written.  Others weren’t and therefore, with no video evidence to the contrary, have no idea of the conditions that occurred at the moment when he faced a personally-flexible deadline and began tapping the keys to create the letters, words, sentences and even paragraphs that make up the foundation of any story. The investigation shows that so much was going on around Mr. Elisberg when he writing.  The TV news was on. Music on the radio was playing.  The TV channel got switched to sports.  The telephone rang several times.  Most were spam calls which are very disturbing.  And Mr. Elisberg had to stop writing, and have lunch, that breaks his thought process.  And then another disruption with a late-afternoon snack.  And political fundraising text messages came pouring in relentlessly, and he had to deal with them, under duress. It was a madhouse.  And then someone on the TV yelled, “Gum!!”  And it was a very annoying commercial with dancing pieces of fruit.  Records show that Mr. Elisberg quickly reached for the remote control, but by the time he could find it, those blaring words kept being repeated, “Gum!  Gum!  Gum!”  And still, though he was able to hit the Mute button and then somehow change the channel, Mr. Elisberg continued on with his committed obligation, writing his columns, and they were done properly, considering -- and despite -- all the distractions around him. And yes, it is true that Mr. Elisberg did abandon his desk immediately after he finished the articles and, no, he didn’t proof-read them.  But all evidence shows that he knew what he was doing.  Because he has training in writing and experience in the entertainment industry.  And twice had received the Lucille Ball Award for Comedy Screenwriting.  So, everything was done by the book – in fact, it was specifically because it was to get back to reading a book that he left his desk and didn’t do any editing.  And as professional standards require, reading books is one of the ways Mr. Elisberg says he keeps up to date and refreshed on writing structure and getting ideas.  Paid troublemakers often question the validity of this, but they were not sitting in front of his monitor when it all happened.  Our investigation shows that it makes sense, since we have no evidence to say otherwise. In conclusion, our independent, detailed, honest investigation finds that everything Robert Elisberg did in choosing to write two articles in a row about something as frivolous as Oscar nominations was proper, justified and absolutely corrrectt. As an addendum resulting from our investigation, we have uncovered reports that Mr. Elisberg may have been transferred to Manhattan (though the one in Kansas)  where he will be stocking groceries at the Convenient Food Mart.  This hasn’t been confirmed.  However the inveterate Chris Dunn was seen at Weebly corporate offices and in discussion with content managers. His expertise is the St. Louis Cardinals and movies about trucks. Watch this space…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaArxPRaCLc