Keeping America Safe, One Rental Unit at a Time

To the shock of probably no one, more classified documents that Trump stole have been found in his possession.  Perhaps shocking, though (which is a rare occurrence in Trump Netherworld), is that they were found in an external, rental storage unit among clothes, gifts, boxes “and swords and wrestling belts and all sorts of things,” a source said.

This comes after Trump assured his lawyer to report that everything had been uncovered.  Gee, apparently not.

Now, in fairness, I’m sure this raises a question in most sentient people of whether a rental storage unit is the best place to keep classified government documents, especially when they don’t belong to you.  However, my understanding is that things are okay.  That’s because Bud, who is the night watchman, has a great reputation for keeping material well-protected from foreign agents.

When a carload of joyriding kids tried to break into the U-Stor facility a year ago, Bud shoed them away before than could do any more damage than break the naked lightbulbs that hang down in Aisle M24.  “I’ve been trying to get management to put protective grills over the bulbs to keep junk like this from happening,” Bud said about the incident.  “But they were too cheap and thought it wasn’t necessary.  Well, now they know I was right.”  And then added, "This isn't my first job, y'know."

On the other hand, the damage has oddly worked in security’s favor.  That’s because most of the bulbs still haven’t yet been replaced.  “It’s so dark in there,” the 82-year-old Bud says, “no one who doesn’t know the place would be able to get around.  But since I don't see too good anymore, it's not a big deal to me.  I been here for six years, so I’m okay finding my way, though even I bring a flashlight, just to be safe.”

Bud isn’t concerned with foreign agents having night goggles.  “It doesn't bother me," he says, "because don’t know what those are."  But he notes that no special technology should help anyone much because the organization system in the facility is sort of messed up.  And only if you’ve been to a unit before can most people find their way around very well.

Bud says a lot of customers call him 'Pops,' although he doesn’t like it much.  “It makes me sound like some guy who sits at the stage door of a theater, not doing a whole lot more than saying, ‘Here, Miss Roberta, someone left a crayon drawing of you they made to give you.’  What I do is important, I keep people’s property safe, even if most of it is just sort of excess junk they don’t want to get rid of yet, but don’t know what to do with it, like swords and wrestling belts, what's up with that?, as the kids say.”

He remembers when Trump dropped off his boxes, clothes, gifts and classified documents.  “How could I forget him?” he asks, “He was a cheap son of a bee.”  It seems that Trump wanted a large unit that goes for $225 a month, but only offered to pay $70 for a small space.  “I told him he could get a better price for a year rental, but even at that I could only bring it down to 160 bucks.  And he’d have to pay in advance.  Oh, my, did he get upset at that.  No way, he said.  I could trust him, he said.  Ha!  I would trust those punk kids who broke the lightbulbs before I’d trust that Trump guy.  I know shifty.  This isn't my first job, y'know.  He still owes six-months back rent.  Whenever I tell him, he laughs, "Sue me!"  I knew he was one of those.  I been in this industry a long time.  And I keep my place safe.”

And that’s the point.  “I keep my place safe.”  The stolen classified documents that Trump has stored on a monthly rental is safe.  Safe!

Because Bud is on the job.