On Tuesday, Eric Trump did an interview with Candace Owens for conservative The Daily Wire. Presumably this interview went better than last October when he spent six hours testifying for New York Attorney General Letitia James investigation and plead the Fifth Amendment over 500 times because he might incriminate himself. For those without an abacus, that works out to 84 “I take the Fifth” every hour. Or almost three every two minutes. Which is one “I take the Fifth” every 40 seconds – for six hours. Even by mob crime family standards, that’s pretty good.
During the course of his interview with Ms. Owens, she asked who his ideal dining companion "dead or alive," would be, with the caveat that he couldn't choose his father.
I’m still surprised that even though he couldn’t name his father, given the Trump children penchant for sucking up to the money train and official Approval Giver, he didn’t, but he did go to next best option.
"How about Jesus?" Trump answered. Which is always a pretty good Go To reply when you want the evangelical right to think you’re religious. (Personally, I think he said this because he liked the idea of being able to start each comment to his dinner companion by saying, “Jesus Christ!! Will you pass the mustard.” And “Jesus Christ!!! Is this a beautiful day or what?!” And then giggle each time.)
Owens told Eric Trump that Jesus was a good answer (because that’s a pretty good Go To confirmation when you went your evangelical right listeners to think your religious and forget that you’re black). And then questioned him about what he would ask Jesus.
Trump said: "Did you envision this happening to the United States of America? Did you ever envision a person as incompetent as Joe Biden running the United States of America? How in the world did this happen?"
I think that Jesus’s first response might be, “Wait, you picked me, Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace, the son of God Almighty, and forebearer of Christian religion, to have dinner with…and that’s the first thing you want to ask me??? About Joe Biden – who I know really well, by the way, because he goes to church every Sunday, and is a good and decent man, almost righteous as far as politicians go. You don’t want to know about how it felt to be treated as the son of God or to be literally crucified for my religious beliefs? Or what I think about how Christianity has developed over 2,000 years? Or where I think my values have been misinterpreted and twisted wrongly, and what I think of fighting wars over religion? Or why I made the Chicago Cubs wait 108 years to win a World Series? Just kidding about that last one. They were on their own there, though I think it helped build character, and I love them and their fans for it. But this is what you want to ask me about – first?? Whoa, well, okay. You’re the host.”
But once past that, and they got down to the actual question, it’s a very risky one to ask Jesus, most-especially right off the bat because there’s a good chance He would answer, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone. And son, just because you shouldn’t ever think about casting the first stone doesn’t mean you should consider casting any stone any time in the foreseeable future. And I mean ‘my’ foreseeable, which is a very, very long time.”
And also, because Jesus seemingly knows all, He might continue, “By envisioning ‘this’ happening, I assume you mean an insurrection to undermine democracy and overthrow the United States, which would divide the country? And yes, of course, I did, because I see all. That’s precisely why I made sure they wrote the U.S. Constitution. And put in easy-to-follow election laws where everyone above legal age in a democracy can vote and had the concept of certifying votes and laws against treason.”
But it would really get dicey when Jesus got around to answering the follow-up question about Joe Biden. “Son – and I mean that, not in a religious way, but like when an adult speaks to a slow child who he thinks might be addled – Joe Biden talks to me in church every Sunday, and even regularly during the week. Sometimes he gets way off topic, but he’s so well-meaning and such a lovely guy and funny, I let him go on. I can’t even remember the last time you talked to me in church – which is why I was so shocked you asked me as your dinner guest. I see all, so I saw that, but only as a sort of joke, like if you were trying so suck up to white evangelicals or your daddy and got stuck having to live up to it.”
And then Jesus would go on, “You do understand that I see all, so when you try to flim-flam me into thinking Joe Biden is incompetent – and seriously, who tries to flim-flam Jesus?? – you do understand that I know the guy. And I know he was in the Senate for 36 years, and was Vice President of the United States for eight years, and got elected President. And was the chairman of both the Senate Judiciary Committee and the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. And he did all this while overcoming a stutter. And when he faced tragedy and was left a widower, he made sure, even though he was a United States Senator, to take the train home every night to take care of his little children – which is something I can tell by your body twitch you don’t understand. Joe Biden is smart, decent, humane, fumbling, imperfect, talented, experienced, goofy, nurturing and what I hope for in all people. For you to think Joe Biden is incompetent only shows that you are empty and soulless and in need of a lot more love than your father can ever give.”
And Jesus would pause and ask, “What was your third question? Oh, right, how in the world did this happen, how did Joe Biden become president. It’s because your father was seen for what he was, a white supremacist, pathologically lying con man fascist, and he only had an approval rating of 31%. The question, son, isn’t ‘how did this happen?’, it’s how could this not have?!!"
Going back on the Candace Owens interview this past Tuesday, Eric Trump did raise one other question he said he’d want to know from Jesus, though still pandering to the radio audience. "Honestly, I might ask him if this is actually a ploy to show people the difference between Republican leadership and Democratic leadership. Sometimes I think about that."
And Jesus would probably smile at this, for Jesus loves the weak and needy, and also loves really easy questions that have answers the opposite of what the questioners thinks – and would answer, “Oh, yes! Absolutely. Without question this is all a ploy to show people the difference between Republican leadership and Democratic leadership. It’s a ploy to make brain-dead clear to even the most close-minded luddite who somehow hasn't figured it out yet that the Democratic leadership supports democracy and working for all people, whatever their race, gender or creed, and to help lift the needy so that they can succeed in this life, as well – while Republican leadership today has become fascist, soulless, embracing dictatorships around the world, and beholden to wicked money lenders in their den of thieves.”
And then with a blunt glare, would add, "And don't use big words like 'Honestly' which you and your family don't begin to understand, it insults the intelligence of those within earshot and only serves to highlight the lie you're about to tell. That's why poker players call it a 'tell.' Like saying 'I might incriminate myself' 500 times every 40 seconds."
And in the end, what Eric Trump doesn't realize is the problem with those “Of anyone in the world, who would you ask to dinner?” questions is that would be for dinner, not an interview, so the guest would get to have a conversation and ask you questions. And I think the very last thing Eric Trump would want is for Jesus Christ to start asking him questions.
“Son, it’s my turn now. I’ll start with an easy one – what is wrong with you? What I mean is, what do you think you’re doing with your life? Why have you wasted everything I’ve given you, all the opportunities to do go, to help others? And instead you’re just an empty shell of a person, scamming others for your own greed, vying for the love of your craven, venal father which you will never get? What in the world makes you think you will get to the Pearly Gates and see heaven and don’t realize that you are headed straight into the bowels of Hell and that if…”
“Jesus Christ!!” Eric Trump would cry out, forgetting to even giggle. “Will you pass the mustard.”
At this point, I think Jesus would finally get fed up and politely thank Eric for his time, but note that He has better things to do, like feeding the needy and finding the parents of all those Mexican kids his dad put in cages who President Joe Biden hasn't yet been able to reunite. And then start to leave, but turn around first and say –
“By the way, science is real. Why do you think it was created in the first place and exists in the world?”
Robert J. Elisberg is a political commentator, screenwriter, novelist, tech writer and also some other things that I just tend to keep forgetting.
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