Back in Baltimore
In May of 2017, I wrote the following. It still holds, but there’s an addendum. And it’s good to repeat the background to put it in perspective. What I wrote at the time was –
The other day, I mentioned going to an Audra McDonald concert. One of the songs she sang was a wonderful comic piece called "Baltimore." As I sat listening and enjoying it, I thought it had much of the same whimsy and charm of one of my favorite comic cabaret songs, "Taylor the Latte Boy," which I've posted a couple versions of her performed by Kristin Chenoweth, including here.
When she finished the number, to huge applause, Ms. McDonald mentioned how that song was written by Marcy Heisler and Zina Goldrich -- "who wrote 'Taylor the Latte Boy'"!!!
Well, it turns out out I have a better ear than I thought....
There's a video of Audra McDonald singing it online, but it's a studio recording, and as wonderful as her performance is in the video, I think that the song itself suffers from not having an audience and reacting with laughter. (What she did onstage with the song exploded the house.)
-- Well, that's what I wrote then. At the time, I did find video of another version of the song performed by a singer who did a very fun job with the number in concert, though it’s hardly fair to compare her with Audra McDonald.
And happily this is now. Because I did finally find video of Audra McDonald in concert singing “Baltimore”! O huzzah.
This was, of course, recorded on a mobile phone, and the person was a little distant. The sound is a little middled, so you miss a few jokes. But overall it’s fine and good to at last have a solid video of her singing “Baltimore” in concert. (I've included the lyrics below.)
P.S. And if you've never heard Heisler and Goldrich's song, "Taylor the Latte Boy," do yourself a favor and check it out at the link above.
And just in case you decide you'd like to follow-along with the words as she sings, or check them out after, for those few you missed, here they are --
When my mother told me
"Don't forget your rain boots when it's wet"
I listened up, just like a good, good little girl
And when she prudently suggested I should lose the cigarette
I knew that bit of wisdom was a pearl
But in all of the advice that I collected through the years
I admit to you with trepidatious dread
Unfortunately, there was some that whizzed right through my ears
Ah, where, where was my mind when Mother said?
Avoid navel-contemplating
Floppy-haired actors originally from Baltimore
Who excel at mime, still play Stratego
And have issues with their mom
Sure at first they're very charming, their attention is disarming
But give attention in return and, dear, they'll drop you like a bomb
Yes, do avoid REO Speedwagon-loving
Christopher Walken-imitating thespians originally from Baltimore
Who can't piss unless their shrink says it's okay
Why let them break your heart, dear?
Put your head on and be smart, dear
Put some bug spray on and make them go away
When my daddy told me look both ways before you cross the street
I took his words to heart, and I complied
And when he told me be yourself, and I should march to my own beat
I did and found that truth was bonafide
But in all of the advice that I collected through the years
I have to say, I am a bit surprised
I missed the best advice that Daddy trumpeted my way
Ah, where, where was my mind when he advised
Avoid narcissistic, alcoholic
Think-they're-French-but-they're-not waiters originally from Baltimore
Who deflower you
Carry a copy a "Fountainhead" in their pocket and lie about their age
Sure at first their eyes are steely, and their words are touchy-feely
Have them cheat upon you twice, and my advice is more than sage
Yes, do steer clear of Renaissance festival-loving
Food service consultants originally from Baltimore
Who say they dance with NYC ballet
But are really an administrative intern
For it's clear upon reflection
If you give him your affection
You will understand the concept crash and burn
The singles world out there can be a scary land
I have to ask, is it me, or is it Maryland?
So if you can possibly avoid it, don't fall in love or lust
Or have crushes on boys from Baltimore
Though indeed at first they seem chock-full of style and class
Sure Cal Ripken's charm is actual, but he's married, and it's factual
Pimlico is not the only place you'll find a horse's ass
Yes, at all costs avoid ridiculous, though amusing, experiences cultivated in Baltimore
Barry Levinson, I mean no disrespect
If you have to go to Baltimore, and meet boys, do not marry 'em
Although it's true I hear that they've got quite a nice Aquarium
Ladies, take your hearts and run as fast as little legs can carry 'em
From Baltimore
There are better boys in Boise
Boys in Boise always call
You'll have better luck in Jersey or St. Paul
Well, not St. Paul
But no matter where life takes you
It just makes no sense to fall
In Baltimore
Hey, where are you from? Silver Spring? Oh!
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