As Satire Totters on the Brink

Back in 1997, Larry Gelbart wrote a very good movie for HBO, Weapons of Mass Distraction.  It was basically about how reality has gotten so over-the-top outlandish -- seen through a personal battle between two egomaniacal media moguls (loosely based on Rupert Murdoch and Ted Turner) whose attacks on one another and their companies keep getting ratcheted up higher and higher until becoming insanely ludicrous -- that it’s made satire almost irrelevant.

That brings us to Trump’s cabinet nominees.

Fox weekend TV host Pete Hegseth was nominated to be the Secretary of Defense.  He’s been awarded two Bronze Stars for his service in the military, which is notable, though generally not considered a qualification for overseeing 3 million people and leading the largest military force in the world.  He’s also said he doesn’t think women should serve in combat mission, except that they do.  And have for the past decade.

Gov. Kristi Noem (R-SD), who has become best known for intentionally shooting to death her family’s pet dog and pet goat, was nominated to be head of the Department of Homeland Security.  To be clear, for those concerned, homeland security does not cover family pets.

Tulsi Gabbard was nominated to be Director of National Intelligence, based it seems on her total lack of experience in intelligence work, having served as a Lt. Colonel in the Hawaii National Guard.  Though perhaps it was her outspoken support for Vladimir Putin that pushed her over the top.  This nomination was announced by Roger Stone when appearing on a radio talk show, "As a former Candidate for the Democrat Presidential Nomination, she has broad support in both Parties," said. When that is your calling card for spymaster, you know there’s a big problem.  Fun Fact: Marianne Williamson ran, too! It's hardly a qualifying credential for DNI – or any position. Also worth noting -- Tulsi Gabbard actually did terribly when she ran and has almost no support in the Democratic Party, where she’s largely detested.

Nominated to be the UN ambassador was Rep. Elise Stefanik (R-NY).  She’s best-known for being confrontational and attacking Democrats at committee hearings – a quality that tends to be very low on the list of basic requirements for a diplomat.

And then there’s Marco Rubio, nominated to be Secretary of State.  Yes, the same fellow Trump has referred to as “Little Marco” and called an “idiot.

Ladies and gentleman, in the dangerous, nuanced world of international relations and terrorism, meet your front-line defense and national security Trump nominees to help protect America and keep the country safe!  That tap-tap-tapping sound you hear is Vladimir Putin dancing for joy across that massive table in his office. 

And we haven’t even gotten to Trump nominating Matt Gaetz to be Attorney General.  That’s not burying the lede – that’s saving the most ludicrous for last.

Man, was Larry Gelbart right.  Sorry, but you are going to have a very hard time topping that in comedy satire.  Matt Gaetz was under investigation for underage sex trafficking by the Department of Justice he has now been nominated to lead.  (The investigation was only dropped because, though the DOJ had witnesses, they were deemed too unreliable for a jury.  They also had a reliable witness, though only for a lesser charge which – given that Gaetz was a sitting member of Congress – was deemed too minor, no pun intended, to prosecute.)  In addition, MAGOP Gaetz is also still currently under investigation by the MAGOP-led House Ethics Committee!  And further (yes, there’s more), in the last days of Trump’s first term in office, Gaetz requested a pardon.

In other words, the perfect Trump candidate for Attorney General.

I have this image of Gaetz’s secretary saying there’s a phone call for him concerning the Justice Department, and the blood draining from his face, going sheet white.  Only to have the secretary add, “No, no, they want you to be the Attorney General.”  And Gaetz about to fire her for making fun of him and his legal troubles, until she cries out, “No, please, I’m serious.  I mean it.”

The Onion should consider rolling up their shingle and going out of business.  It must be hell for the satire publication.  “Matt Gaetz nominated to be Attorney General” is a classic headline for them – except they can’t use it.  Because it’s real.  (Actually, they should use it and post the story as is.  It might be their best joke ever.)

Actually, they might have gotten concerned about holding on to their satire bona fides when they saw that Pete Hegseth, Tulsi Gabbard, Elise Stefanik, Kristi Noem and Marco Rubio had all been nominated – and nominated to as America’s top security officials.

But Matt Gaetz nominated as Attorney General is still hard to top.

He’s such a bizarre choice that many experts and members of Congress have suggested the possibility he might not be confirmed by the Senate, since he’s so deeply disliked.  The problem for not confirming him, though, was best expressed by Tim Miller on MSNBC.  As he put it, when you explain your reason for not confirming Matt Gaetz is that he was under investigation by the DOJ, how do you defend that argument when you supported a guy who was convicted of 34 felonies, found liable of rape, and found guilty of fraud?!  And if you say you can’t confirm him because he’s a lightweight, how can justify that when you supported someone who was a TV game show host??

But Gaetz really is badly disliked.  Really badly disliked. 

One possibility is that some MAGOPs in the Senate might call in sick on the day of the confirmation vote and let Democrats have the majority that day.  Or they’ll see Trump as a lame duck and just can’t accept Matt Gaetz as Attorney General.  Or…they’ll just be pure, cowardly MAGOPs and confirm him.  That’s the safe bet.  Though if I didn’t mention it, Matt Gaetz is badly disliked.  (And deeply unqualified.  And being investigated for ethics violations.)

Of course these nominations are ghastly.  But none of them will really have much authority, since Trump and his inner circle will be directing things.  And who knows how long these cabinet picks will last in their jobs – whether it's because they quit or are fired.  (In two years?  Six months?  But Trump’s record of keeping cabinet members is impressively terrible.)  Further it takes people like Gaetz, Marco Rubio, Elise Stefanik out of Congress.  And Kristi Noem out of office.  And also, each of them all so terribly unqualified for their cabinet positions that, assuming such an truly incompetent team can only fail, they will all be poster children for the failure.  That’s terrible for the country, especially for national security, but will be a great reminder in two years for the mid-terms when people are upset that Trump did not, in fact, solve all the problems – or perhaps any – and voters are looking for reasons.

Yes, those are Trump’s crackerjack cabinet picks.  With more to come.

Like the report that the FBI Director may be Kash Patel, the only man in the Trump circle who gives Stephen Miller a run for "I'm sorry, but which one did you say was the devil's spawn?"  

And yes, it’s all ghastly.

But The Onion should call it quits, because they can’t top this.

Though maybe they are considering it.  Because that might explain why they just won the bankruptcy auction to take over Alex Jones' InfoWars...