From the Desk of Dr. Charles Pepper (no relation to the soft drink)
Our patient Mr. Robert J. Elisberg has asked that we provide this letter to give him permission not to write about politics today, as he sustained a serious injury to his head, which appears to be contusions caused by heavy and repeated beatings as if pounded relentlessly into a wall. I have examined the injuries and can vouch for them. There are multiple bruises and a possible concussion sustained, although further tests are needed since the "concussion" aspect of dizziness may be the patient's normal state. There is no evidence found that the injuries are self-inflicted, and instead could be caused by a common reaction to any number of external influences. These could be a heavy gale-force wind with shifting currents, a vicious criminal assault, or hearing the president of the United States finally respond after days of silence to the news of 755 workers being expelled from the U.S. Embassy in Russia by thanking the President of Russia, Vladimir Putin for kicking them out.
(Professional note, so that those reading this medical report do not think this last point is so crazy as to invalidate the findings -- this is true. The president Mr. Trump did say this today. Really. I'm not crazy, nor is my patient. He merely has sustained a head injury.)
Other possible causes for the repeated head trauma are a normal reaction to falling down a flight of stairs, playing the position of catcher in a baseball game and having one's head continually whacked by the swinging bat, or hearing the president say that the reason there are so many White House leaks is because staffers are vying for his love and just trying to get out information to the press.
(Professional note, so that those reading this medical report do not -- oh, okay, you know the rest. Yes, this last point is is true. The president Mr. Trump did say this today. Really.)
We have not received CT scan tests back, and so have ruled out none of the possibilities above, or any others which results may show. The baseball bat theory is not likely since the patient has no recollection of playing baseball today. However, if a person had his head continually smacked by a baseball bat, it's not unreasonable to think he might not remember a lot.
Mr. Elisberg hopes to be back on his feet tomorrow -- or on his seat, as he writes sitting down -- and making pointed written comments about politics. But until I see evidence of the swelling going down, or that there is no risk of the recurrence of injury, the patient will be under medical watch.
I can also state unequivocally that Mr. Elisberg's strength and physical stamina are extraordinary. Regular laboratory tests are astonishingly excellent. When and if Mr. Elisberg returns he will be the healthiest individual ever to write articles about the presidency.
Robert J. Elisberg is a political commentator, screenwriter, novelist, tech writer and also some other things that I just tend to keep forgetting.
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