For reasons beyond our control and those of heaven spinning wildly and unexpectedly, Elisberg Industries will be otherwise pre-occupied tonight because...well, we have something better to do. Furthermore, we have given the staff the night off because we're good people like that, and in all honesty they likely would have revolted and brought us up on unfair labor practices. It is our hope that the company won't have to deal with this same issue every 108 years and so-inconvenience our readers and patrons. We trust you understand.
In the meantime, feel free to browse the corridors, but no one will be here to help out, although every once in a while someone might stop by to make sure there's still electricity.
Oh, and I'm told by Upper Management that by contract I'm required to say, "Go Cubs."